Signs you are in a "silent divorce" are easy to see.

When she was married, Carly and her husband did not fight much.

When things got bad in her marriage, she and her ex used workbooks to help.

Carly said, “I did not want to talk to him because it was hard to talk.” She is a mother of one child and did not want to share her last name.

“He was quiet and angry. I think I was the same.”

Carly asked him to leave their home in Tampa, Florida.

“He said, ‘No, we will fix this here,’” she said.

He moved to a guest room and slept there.

After a year in separate rooms, they decided to end their marriage. They still lived together and raised their daughter.

“He felt like a stranger to me, and then we got divorced,” she said.

The legal part came later, but they were already in a “silent divorce.”

Couples are in this when they do not feel close but stay together for money or other reasons, said Stephanie Moir, a counselor.

“A silent divorce is when you are not legally apart, but you are not close in feelings or thoughts,” Moir said.

“It is something you go through alone. It can feel lonely.”

Many say marriage needs work. “If you do not work on it, you can feel far apart,” Moir said.

Not having common goals and not seeing a future together can mean you are in a silent divorce, she said.

“Maybe you take separate trips or do not go to parties together,” Moir said.

Another sign is not being close physically, like not having sex or touch, she added.

Lisa Lavelle, a therapist in New York City, sees many couples in silent divorces.

“They look fine outside, and they are good parents, but they feel far apart,” Lavelle said.

“One sign is when they feel like roommates, not partners. They focus on being Mom and Dad, not husband and wife,” Lavelle said.

All couples can feel distant at times, but it is a problem when they do not talk about it, she said.

A lack of physical closeness is a clear sign of trouble, Lavelle said.

But a silent divorce is not the same as a “sleep divorce,” which is when couples sleep apart for other reasons.

“If you have issues like snoring, sleeping in separate rooms can help your relationship,” she said.

A silent divorce can feel like a break because couples who fought before do not fight now.

But fighting can show a wish to connect, said Justin Ho, a counselor in Georgia.

“Fighting shows we disagree, but we want to help each other understand,” he said.

For some couples, not fighting means they do not care anymore, Lavelle said.

“They talk about simple things, like dinner, but not about feelings or hard topics,” she said.

“There is no openness.”

There is also an emotional cost. “When you avoid your partner, it takes time and energy,” she said.

Couples in a silent divorce feel alone and may feel sad or angry, Ho said.

“These feelings can grow and become hard to handle,” he added.

It can lead to sadness or worry.

For couples with kids, there are more problems.

“If you see a couple that does not get along, it is clear,” Lavelle said.

“You can feel the tension.”

A silent divorce can leave needs unmet for both adults and kids, Ho said.

“Kids may feel they must choose sides or feel ignored because their parents do not work together,” he said.

Couples should think about money issues when staying in a silent divorce.

Liesl Savage, a financial adviser, said she does not like her clients to stay in a silent divorce for long.

“If my ex gets in an accident, I could have big problems,” she said.

“If you are still married, you share money problems.”

If you think you are in a silent divorce, Ho said, talk to your partner.

“Ask them, ‘Do you feel the same?’ and try to understand each other,” Ho said.

This talk can help see if you want to fix the relationship. Not talking can cause problems.

“If you do not talk about parenting, money, or family issues, one person may feel angry and not want to try,” Lavelle said.

The longer anger goes unchecked, the harder it is to fix, she added. It can help to get support.

“People think therapy is just to save a relationship, but it can help couples talk about hard things,” Lavelle said.

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